molliemao愛的小小羊圈。

However, after they had a talk about how they talk, they came up with a compromise: “My husband said, ‘I know you don’t want a solution, but it’s too frustrating to hear you go on and on when I know the solution. So how about if I tell you the solution and you listen, and then if you want to keep talking about it, you can?’ ”

然而，在討論過兩個人該怎麼討論時，他們達成協議了。「我老公說：我知道你不想要解決方案，但是老是聽你在那裡挖拉挖拉是很讓人挫折的，尤其是我知道怎麼解決的時候。」「那何不這樣好了，你只要聽我跟你說怎麼作就行，假如你想跟我再談，就隨你好不好？」

“I love to give that example,” Dr. Tannen says, “because why should we insist that only guys listen to something that makes no sense? Why don’t we also listen to things that make no sense?”

『我喜歡這個實例』譚寧博士說。「因為，為何我們老是要叫男人聽我們說，而不試試當個只要聽的人呢？」

According to Ken Doka, a professor at the College of New Rochelle in New York who has studied how people cope after the loss of a loved one, the differences in styles can be complementary instead of causing friction.

根據一位紐約大學教授肯達卡研究出人們如何處理（面對）失去至愛的人，不同的處置方式是互補的且會代替（避免）衝突發生。

When working with couples who are having a hard time accepting each other’s differing ways of dealing with tough emotions, he’ll sometimes show them an episode of Home Improvement, that old Tim Allen sitcom about a carpenter married to a shrink.

當夫妻之間處理困難的時候的方式不同，而又不能接受彼此處理這樣的時候的方式，他有時會來一小段家庭修繕故事，老提姆愛倫的情境喜劇，是有關一個木匠娶了一個精神科醫師的故事。

“The wife on the show always wants him to be more open about his feelings,” Dr. Doka says. “But there’s an episode where her father dies and she’s dealing with all her emotions, and Tim is taking care of things, getting the kids ready, getting plane tickets, doing all that needs to be done. And at the end of the episode, she says to him: ‘Most of the time I want you to be more like me, more open with your feelings. But this time I really realized I needed you to be you.’ ”

『那個當精神科醫師的老婆一直要她的木匠老公多解放一下自己的情緒』達卡博士說。『但是有回她的老爸死掉了，而她正處理自己所有的情緒時，提姆正處理其他所有雜事，打理孩子的東西，買飛機票，把所有的事處理好。正當那一集要結束時，那個老婆跟提姆說：大部分的時間我老是要你多像我一些，像是要你放開心情。但是這回我真的明白了，你只要當你自己的樣子就好了。』

Dr. Doka adds, however, that when it’s time to focus on your partner’s feelings, the best way is to be responsive to the kind of consoling she needs.

達卡博士又加了幾句話，然而，當你該面對你伴侶的情緒時，最好的方式是回應他/她所需要的回應就行了。

“But how in the world will I know what she needs?” I asked him.

「但是我又怎麼知道她需要的是什麼？」我問他。

“Sometimes it’s as easy as asking,” he replied.

「很簡單，問就是了。」他回覆。

Right. In my defeat-the-problem routine, I suppose I forgot to do that.

是的。在我的充－耳－不－聞模式運作下，我早忘了該這麼做。

When I asked her, one female friend of mine said that, unless she directly seeks advice, what she wants is “silence and enduring listening.”

當我詢問我的其中一位女性友人時，除非她需要我立即的建議，不然她只希望我安靜的一直聽她說。

As I listened in silence, she continued: “The ideal situation would be to talk at length with someone being totally engaged the whole time and asking me questions for more detail. Not asking ‘Why did you do this?’ or ‘Why didn’t you do this?’ ”

在我靜靜聆聽的同時，她繼續的說：理想的情況是有人可以傾聽到完全進入狀況並且詢問有關問題的更多細節，而不是質問我「你幹嘛這樣做？」或是「你為何不這樣做？」

Another friend said that being held usually does the trick.

其他的朋友說這招有效。

Sitting calmly and supportively when someone is upset seems like it would be easier than racking your brain for a solution, but I don’t think that’s the case for everyone.

當某人沮喪時，靜靜支持的坐著似乎比較起滿腦子找答案簡單多了，但我不認為這作法一體適用。

Louann Brizendine suggests in The Female Brain that men have a harder time dealing with sadness in others, at least in part because they’re not as good at picking up facial cues leading up to a meltdown.

羅蘭布南茲汀在女性腦一書裡指稱男性處理悲傷情緒比起其他情緒更不容易。至少有一部份是這樣，因為他們不善於從女性面部表情得知線索，而導致了無法收拾的災難（崩潰啦）。

“Tears in a woman may evoke brain pain in men,” she writes. “The male brain registers helplessness in the face of pain, and such a moment can be extremely difficult for them to tolerate.”

「女人的眼淚喚起的是男人的頭痛」她這樣寫。「男性的腦在臉上流露無助在痛苦時，而且這樣的一刻對他們來說是極度的難以忍受。」

Dr. Brizendine doesn’t say it in the book – perhaps more info will come in her follow-up, The Male Brain, due out in a couple of months – but I think intolerance toward dark emotions often starts with that man in the mirror. I know I’ve often turned my solution gun on myself.

布南茲汀博士沒在書中說明，也許更多的訊息將會出現在她的姊妹作男性腦，幾個月後出版，但我想我無法忍受鏡中自己的負面情緒，我知道我常常用自己的那招來對付自己。

But on the occasions when I’ve found the courage to just give in to my winter blues, venting or sobbing over something stupid or substantial, I’ve felt like a budding flower in springtime once it’s passed. Why would I want to deprive anyone of that?

但是請允許我藉這個機會說，當我冬日憂鬱發作時與其為某件蠢事或真實的事件發火或是哭的西哩嘩啦，只要鼓勵一下就好了。事情過了之後，我就會像春天的新芽一樣。那我幹嘛剝奪別人沮喪的權利勒？

（這表示這整篇文章是白寫的嗎？又是一個死性不改的男人～還春日重生勒！）